The Scoop: We all know healthy relationships take work. And sometimes, that may lead you and your partner down the path of couples counseling. But with all the counseling resources at our fingertips, it can be challenging to discern which therapist will be best for your relationship needs. Thankfully, you don’t have to do it alone. We spoke with Alysha Roll, a certified Gottman therapist, to help you get on the right track.
I have to admit that I used to be quite therapy-adverse. Maybe like most people who didn’t grow up in a household that fostered a sense of vulnerability, therapy sounded like a completely foreign subject. My only view of it was those overdone, cliché movie scenes where characters would be glued to a couch talking much about nothing.
Over the years, as I learned more about mental health and therapy, it grew on me. And I no longer looked at my friends like they had a third head when they broached the subject. In hindsight, I can see how limited my conception of therapy was.
Therapy can be a sticky subject to approach for many people, especially when you’re in a relationship. Now, you’re not only focusing on your own problems but those of another person.
Although you may think therapy isn’t for you, you may never truly know until you try it. It may not always be comfortable but it can help you identify negative thought patterns and give you the tools to move forward. You can ask Alysha Roll, certified Gottman therapist at Couples Counseling.
“I always recommend to people to give somebody a try because going to therapy is hard anyway. If it’s cushy all the time, then you’re probably not doing the work you need to do. We also really believe in that it shouldn’t feel like torture either,” said Alysha.
Couples therapists seek to help couples have better conversations — serving almost as a mediator, so both sides can be heard.
If you’re on the road to seeking couples counseling, you may find it difficult to choose a therapist out of the many choices out there. Well, good thing Alysha shared some tips with us on how to go about the process. Stay tuned for more.
Find the Right Fit for You and Your Partner
Therapy has become increasingly popular in recent years. And with more demand has come a higher supply. Everywhere you look, you can find an advertisement or recommendation for a different counseling resource.
Although it’s great that therapy has become more accessible, it can also make the discovery process a bit challenging. You might do your due diligence and narrow down your needs and still feel overwhelmed with choices.
Thankfully, the first requirement to finding a therapist is a non-negotiable, so you can check that right off your list.
“So if you’re looking for a couple’s therapist, it’s always a good idea to look for someone who is trained in something that’s based in science,” said Alysha.
Alysha is a certified Gottman therapist and advanced clinical trainer for the Gottman Institute. The Gottman Method is founded on the research of its namesake, Drs. John and Julie Gottman. It’s an approach to couples therapy that focuses on the thorough checkup of the couple’s relationship.
Here are a few goals of the Gottman Method:
- To improve friendship and intimacy with appreciation, affection, and empathy
- To manage conflict with understanding, compromise, reflection, and a timely and softer approach to resolution and complaints
- To create shared meaning and support one another’s dreams
Even if you don’t choose a Gottman therapist, ensuring that your therapy time will be rooted in some form of science or clinical research is a must, according to Alysha.
“So I’ve done a lot of the training that helps us know what makes relationships work and causes them to fail. You want to look for somebody who ideally is certified. So they have gone through a vetting process to know that they can use the method and the material,” said Alysha.
Of course, there is more to finding the right therapist. A therapist may have all the right credentials, but the sessions are just not clicking. And that’s normal. It’s almost like going on a dating app. A person’s profile may fit what you’re looking for, but when you meet them in person, it just doesn’t work.
“This is such a personal thing. When you’re going to counseling, it’s got to feel like it’s a fit for you. So it can be even based on some personality things that don’t feel like a fit. I think you have to honor that for yourselves if it feels just not quite right,” said Alysha.
There are red flags to watch for in couples therapy work as well. “Another thing that I always like to say to people is if it feels like your therapist is taking sides, that’s probably a red flag,” said Alysha.
People in couples therapy should feel that both of their voices are heard; otherwise, it simply won’t be productive. Communication is a two-way street after all.
“When it feels slanted in that way, trust your gut and know that that therapist will probably not be a good fit,” said Alysha.
It’s Normal to Be Hesitant
We all probably have our preconceived notions of a therapy setting. Some of those notions may be negative while others are more positive. What we think of something may keep us from ever experiencing it, whereas the experience may prove our preconceptions wrong.
Most of us are not alone in our hesitancy about therapy. Alysha told us that one partner being hesitant is often the case.
“A lot of times one person is more hesitant, and sometimes that can be because they’ve had bad experiences or they have felt blamed by their partner. So they are worried this is going to be just a gang up session,” said Alysha.
Alysha said it is normal to be nervous coming into your first therapy session with your partner. It’s not everyday that you’re vulnerable about your relationship with someone you don’t know. So concerns are valid.
“Once they get through the assessment, and we talk about the plan for moving forward, they usually feel a lot better. So even after just that first appointment, people relax a little bit,” said Alysha.
There will be times of discomfort. But for most sessions, you and your partner should feel comfortable speaking with your therapist. If that’s not the case, as Alysha mentioned earlier, you can try with another trained counselor. That’s when knowing there are so many resources comes in handy.
“Make sure you recognize there will be some discomfort. But if you feel like over time it doesn’t feel like a fit, honor that and find someone else because there are lots of people out there to help,” said Alysha.
How to Assess Progress Within Your Relationship
Everyone goes to therapy with the end goal of some level of progress. But in the early stages, it can sometimes be difficult to ascertain whether the sessions are working. So we asked Alysha about how couples can effectively determine progress.
“So we have an assessment that they take coming into the process, which is a whole series of questionnaires. And at some point during the therapy process we can take that again to show the specific progress,” said Alysha.
This assessment serves as a measurement of progress for Alysha’s clients. Questions can include: Are you having better conversations with each other? Are you able to make repairs? Are you carving out time for each other?
“So you do want to check in and say, so what’s going well? I ask that to my couples a lot week after week. What’s gone well between the two of you this week because we’re trying to shift the focus to what are we going to do that’s positive,” said Alysha.
Have Regular Check-ins
Alysha also highlighted an approach therapists follow in the Gottman Method. It’s called the state of the union. It’s a tool Gottman therapists give to couples that carry forward into their relationships to assess and maintain a healthy view of their relationship.
“I actually have my couples do this. In the Gottman method, we talk about a state of the union meeting where we ask them to schedule that every week. One hour a week. What’s going well? What do I appreciate that I maybe didn’t voice to this week and what’s an issue or concern we need to address?” said Alysha.
The state of the union meeting allows you to check in with your partner and be in tune with yourself and your needs regarding the relationship. This way, you can also stay in touch with each other and not let something serious go unaddressed for too long, which could have larger repercussions down the line.
“We talk a lot about, as individuals, we change and grow all the time. And so if we’re not having some method to check in with each other on a regular basis, we don’t know how those changes are happening,” said
Therapy isn’t a quick fix. But you don’t have to go into a session expecting to be tortured. Alysha left us with encouraging words to show therapy can be worth a try if you’re seeking to fix your relationship’s negative patterns.
“If you’re dealing with some difficult issues, they don’t change overnight. It takes consistent, intentional work to make some adjustments. And that’s okay,” said Alysha.
Forming new habits is tough in general. So don’t be too hard on yourself when it doesn’t come naturally in your relationship. All that matters is that you’re doing the work.
