Infidelity Insights: Men Cheat More, But Apps Can Play a Role in Building Trust

Why do people cheat? Scorned spouses and the newly-single have been asking themselves this question for generations, and according to several recent studies, the answer is more complicated than “because they want to.” 

Professionals who help couples pick up the pieces from infidelity — marriage counselors, divorce coaches, and relationship mediators, to name a few — are just as much a part of the relationship industry as the platforms that help facilitate affairs, like Ashley Madison and AdultFriendFinder. 

In fact, these studies all reveal an underlying truth: Dating and relationship professionals can better help couples come to terms with their desire to cheat, teach them what to do with those feelings, and provide resources that can help couples work through the situation as calmly and productively as possible. 

Before professionals and dating platforms can address the needs of these couples, they have to first understand the who, what, and why behind modern infidelity. 

Who Cheats More: Men or Women?

Nearly half (48%) of the 2,000 singles surveyed by DatingAdvice and the Kinsey Institute said they’ve suspected their partner of cheating. Women in the study (54%) were generally more likely to suspect their partner of cheating than men (43%). 

Thirty-two percent of respondents said they immediately confronted their partner about their suspicions, but 42% decided to snoop through their partner’s social media and personal life to gather evidence first. 

Unsurprisingly, it’s not easy to find definitive stats about how many people have admitted to cheating on their partners. 

Stereotypes would have you believe that married men in their 40s and 50s — peak midlife crisis territory — are most likely to canoodle with their secretaries behind their spouse’s back. And, well, there’s some truth to this — or at least there used to be. 

The Institute for Family Studies came close to finding a near-solid answer in 2017, when it reported (based on data from previous years of the General Social Survey) that 20% of surveyed men admitted that they’ve cheated on their partner, as compared to 13% of surveyed women

But as researchers Ami Rokach and Sybil H. Chan found in their study Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences, this stat isn’t as consistent as it used to be. 

“While early research suggested that men are more likely to commit infidelity than women recent work has suggested that the gender gap is narrowing,” the researchers reported. 

There may be some truth to the whole “midlife crisis” thing, as married men in their 40s and 50s are generally more likely to cheat than other age groups. But Gen Z women are also increasingly likely to cheat on their partner, and to “cheat nearly as often as men,” according to Marriage Science. 

As the gender gap narrows, dating professionals have an opportunity to target their services to the age groups that need it the most. 

Why People Cheat — And How Tech Can Help

In a 2020 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, researchers Dylan Selterman and Justin Garcia asked cheaters why they had affairs in the first place. Were they motivated solely by a desire for sex, or was something deeper at play? 

The researchers landed on eight different motivations: anger, situational stress, a desire for non-sexual intimacy, a sense of emotional neglect, not being totally committed, wanting to experiment with more partners, wanting independence, and, yes, sometimes, a craving for more sex.

These motivations, while different in nature, share an underlying discontent — an ongoing desire for more, without having the words to express what, exactly, one needs. 

This is where dating professionals and platforms can step in, not only to facilitate a healthier form of communication, but to help each person in the relationship understand the why, how, and “what now?” of infidelity. 

While this is naturally a psychologist or couple’s therapist’s time to shine, there’s an opportunity for people at the intersection of tech and dating to help, too. 

On her website, clinical psychologist Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson reassures couples that “technology isn’t the enemy” — even if it occasionally tempts someone into an emotional and/or sexual affair (think secret Tinder accounts or increasingly steamy DMs with someone who is decidedly not your partner). 

“[Technology] can also be a tool for healing,” she said. “Sending thoughtful messages, scheduling date nights via shared calendars, or even using relationships apps like Gottman Card Decks can reinforce intimacy and support the rebuilding process.” 

Apps like Candle help couples nourish their relationship before those eight different infidelity motivators can rear their ugly heads. With over 100,000 downloads on Google Play, Candle aims to “help couples stay emotionally close through one-minute daily rituals that bring back presence, play, and curiosity.” 

It’s not the only relationship app that aims to strike before infidelity occurs. Evergreen: Relationship Growth, Deeper Talks, and Lovewick all boast more than 100,000 downloads, signalling a clear demand for relationship apps that help couples improve their communication skills and bond. 

There’s Room to Heal in Relationship Apps 

Generally speaking, relationship recovery apps with AI-enhanced tools may be more accessible to Gen Z couples, while a one-on-one relationship counselor could have more immediate benefits to older couples. 

It’s not only about married couples having different needs from dating couples, but about how the average age of these couples can help determine which recovery tactics work best for them. 

It’s reasonable to assume that some married couples would prefer an ongoing support system post-infidelity, while dating couples may treat the problem more acutely. With less time and fewer emotions invested in the relationship, a dating couple may decide that breaking up is the best way to move forward, rather than investing in ongoing counseling. 

There are a few apps that aim to help couples through the aftermath of infidelity, but they’re few and far between, and some aren’t widely available for download. 

Paired is one of the few relationship apps to boast more than 8 million downloads and mention its goal to help couples “through conflict,” though it doesn’t say if it offers resources for couples specifically going through infidelity. 

With this in mind, there’s clearly still room in the industry for relationship recovery apps that give users tools, tips, and resources to guide them through the realities of infidelity. Online counseling, AI-enabled relationship chatbots, educational resources, transparency tools — each has the power to help couples make tough decisions following an affair. 

And since everyone defines infidelity differently depending on their worldview, it’s nearly impossible for professionals to provide a one-size-fits-all solution. Industry professionals and app developers have an opportunity to create a product that not only fills a vital role, but generates real healing.