The Scoop: When we teach kids about the birds and the bees, we’re helping them establish healthy relationships to sex. But what happens if sex ed is ignored? Sexologist Marla Stewart told us about her company, Velvet Lips Sex Ed, and how knowledge really is power in the bedroom and beyond.
When I think about sex ed, I’m transported back to my sixth grade science classroom. We watched a retro video about the facts of life, and I left the room with more questions than answers. A glitchy video from the ‘80s and a surface level definition of human anatomy does not make for a thorough sex ed class!
Even now, with countless reliable resources available to parents and educators, some people are still embarrassed to talk about sex with their teens. What if thinking about sex makes them more curious about it? The horror!
Sexologist and sexual educator Marla Stewart set the record straight when she talked to us about her company, Velvet Lips Sex Ed. “I use comprehensive sex ed, somatic bodywork and sexually therapeutic techniques to help my clients get what they need,” Marla explained.
And what clients need can run the gamut. Some need clarity about their confusing sexual desires. Others may need help voicing feelings they’ve denied for decades. And other clients may struggle with sexual anxiety, something Marla can help them tackle with therapeutic techniques.
Sex ed serves two main purposes: to inform and to eliminate shame surrounding sexual topics. And, according to Marla, sex ed is necessary for a fulfilling sex life and an equally fulfilling relationship.
Sexual Health Depends On Education
Too often, young people are taught the abridged version of sexual health in school. Sure, they learn the, ahem, ins and outs of sex, but they may not learn the non-physical details. Why do people have sex? Why doesn’t everyone identify as straight? What’s the difference between gender and sexuality? How can you tell when someone isn’t consenting to sex? What should you do in an abusive relationship? What are red flags?
Sex education is about so much more than condoms and bananas. “What we see now in the research is that when we don’t have comprehensive sex ed — when we’re not talking about what healthy sexuality looks like, or what healthy relationships look like — we know that can be detrimental to our sexual health,” Marla told us.
“When something is detrimental to our sexual health, it becomes detrimental to our mental health,” she pointed out. “And so those things are interconnected.”
Remember how it felt to be 14? Wild emotions, unpredictable moods, and intimate discoveries made our teen years confusing, to say the least. When you don’t know why your body and emotions are changing, the discomfort only intensifies.
She highlighted how abstinence-only education is “detrimental to people’s mental and sexual health,” particularly to “Black maternal health.” Abstinence is a nice idea in theory, but not a realistic or inclusive one, Marla told us.
“We’re not getting the resources we need,” she said, referring to young Black women. When some schools preach abstinence and others don’t teach anything at all, countless kids of all income levels, identities, and races will inevitably fall through the cracks.
Marla’s mother didn’t hesitate to teach her about the birds and the bees. She wanted her to have a realistic relationship to sex. “I had a holistic perspective on sexuality that was definitely different from the rest of my peers,” she told us. She learned everything from how to buy condoms to how to identify UTIs and yeast infections.
And when Marla got to college, she found herself in an unusual situation. “I was not only able to be open about my queer sexuality, but open to discussing it with a lot of my peers who were not able to have those conversations with their parents,” she said. “They often came to me for advice.”
Her role as a sexual guide eventually led to Velvet Lips Sex Ed. She wanted to change how future generations learned about sex. After all, when bad information — or, worse, no information — is passed on over the years, it can create a damaging cycle of ignorance.
What Can Happen Without Sex Ed
When parents barely understand how their own bodies work, it puts their children at a disadvantage, too. “A lot of parents are not equipped [with sexual knowledge],” Marla told us.
When you don’t understand something, frustration can overpower your curiosity. We all know what happens next: New ideas sound threatening, and another generation is raised to fear sex and sex ed.
Then there’s the growing possibility that curious kids will turn to the internet for answers. It’s all too easy for kids to end up on the wrong side of the internet. At best, porn is an unrealistic depiction of sex. At worst, it normalizes objectification of women, exploitation, violence, and non-consensual acts.
Now, imagine being a teenager and knowing your LGBTQ+ identity doesn’t align with the pre-conceived “norm.” It must be such an isolating experience to exist as an “other” in parts of the country that ignore comprehensive sex ed.
“Gender identity tropes … can be harmful or unhealthy or unrealistic for most people,” Marla told us. Again, these kids are more likely to turn to the internet for answers. This isn’t always a bad thing, but it doesn’t exactly bridge the communication gap between kids and their parents.
Marla reminded us that this fate is avoidable when you can be a judgment-free zone for your child, as well as a wealth of accurate information. “I think it’s super important for parents to direct their children,” she said. The more information teens have, the more informed they can be about everything from birth control to relationship breakups.
Kids who don’t have access to comprehensive sex ed grow up into uninformed adults. How can you have a sexually fulfilling relationship if you don’t know what one is supposed to look like? If you and your partner have problems in the bedroom, it’s possible that two words sum up your struggles: confusion and shame.
Giving your children the resources they need to learn more about their bodies and emotions isn’t just about you being a responsible parent. It also makes you the support system your child needs as they grow up.
If you’re uncomfortable teaching your kids about sex, try to teach yourself about sex first. When you can demystify sex ed for yourself, you make it a more approachable topic for your kids, too. There’s nothing wrong with reaching out to your child’s school or community to consult with educators who are experienced in sex ed. When it comes to important topics like sex and consent, your support system can never be too big.
Sex Ed Isn’t Only About Sex
Learning how to clearly voice your thoughts, feelings, and desires is a crucial component of sex ed. Marla explained how you should be able to “communicate clearly about what you want, what your desires are, what your boundaries are, [and] things you want to accept and explore,” as well as “Not be afraid to say the things that turn you on.”
“Communication skills are needed to sustain long and lasting healthy relationships,” she added.
Too many of us received a base-level sexual education. When it came to the emotional aspects of sex, we were left to fend for ourselves. We should be able to clearly articulate what we want inside the bedroom and outside the bedroom. We should also be able to understand what other people want.
If people don’t have the words for their desires, they may not be able to define what they’re feeling. Marla has had people come to her for advice about their desire for non-monogamy or an unexpected kink, only to learn their desires may be rooted in something else entirely. These feelings may actually be “a symptom of boredom … or of low self-esteem,” Marla explained.
Obviously, some kinks are authentic, but it could help define your desires if you know boredom and low self-esteem are possible explanations.
“Couples and folks in relationships need to think about their seduction learning styles,” Marla said. She defined seduction learning styles as “communicating in a way that is fruitful to your partner” and “understanding your partner’s core desires.”
Do you know what makes your partner tick, and do you prioritize their pleasure? A relationship is about two people, after all. Sex ed may teach young people all about their own bodies, but it also gets them thinking about how they should treat their potential partners.
“Invite your lover to be a part of your sexuality,” Marla said. She noted how internalized shame can prevent people from living sexually fulfilling lives. But with her help, people can finally start to understand and express who they are and what they want — sexually and otherwise.
