Rebuilding Relationships Begins With Cultivating Intimacy

If you were to ask someone what makes a great relationship, I think one word would pop up consistently, no matter who you asked: trust. We all want to trust our partners and have trusting relationships, but trust isn’t something that just magically appears in a relationship.

Trust is developed and cultivated and can manifest differently for different couples. It’s difficult to put one definition on the term, but as it relates to relationships, trust is the foundation of emotional safety and, therefore, intimacy.

Emotional safety can’t happen without trust. But what happens when that trust is broken? Is there a way back?

Betrayal happens when that trust is violated, and one or both partners can no longer feel emotionally safe. Partners are left out of vital information about their relationship. 

Betrayal can be big– like infidelity or abandonment– but it can also be not so big. A partner can feel betrayed if they aren’t supported or their needs are continually unmet.

Rebuilding trust after betrayal is challenging and requires couples to investigate painful and often confusing experiences, conflicts, and aspects of their relationship. 

But rebuilding trust can be done.

Ted Riter is a relationship coach who helps couples rebuild their relationships by cultivating trust, rediscovering intimacy, and rewriting tired and old stories. Ted talked to us about his experiences assisting couples to rebuild their relationships and shared valuable insights on intimacy, communication, and self-love.

Ted’s unique approach helps couples tie the intimacy they feel with each other to their intimate relationships with themselves and the world. Ted infuses spiritual elements into his coaching to give couples a solid foundation for trust and intimacy.

“Once we start to get to know ourselves and our own patterns and know what patterns we want to hang onto and the ones we want to rewrite, then we can start working on how to connect those patterns with their partner’s patterns,” Ted said. 

Finding Intimacy With Self & Others

Ted said many of his clients come to him after struggling with patterns in relationships. “They are finding the same patterns in their relationships, whether they’re in a relationship that has the same patterns, or they keep trying to start relationships and keep running into the same things,” Ted said.

Patterns can include negative communication habits, problems with sexual intimacy, or continuing feelings of being undersupported. Breaking these habits requires more than a quick fix– breaking habits is no easy task.

“Usually, by the time they get to me, they recognize that there’s something deeper, there’s something they need to really explore,” Ted said. “From there, we can focus on that person.”

Ted’s first step is helping his clients develop a sense of intimacy with themselves. Intimacy doesn’t just apply to sexual relationships. It’s found in relationships with friends, family, and the self, and it has many different aspects, including emotional and sexual ones.

“When I talk about intimacy, I’ve come to see there are three kinds of intimacy,” Ted said. “The one that people are mostly coming to see me about is intimacy between them and a partner. But, before we can get there, there has to be intimacy with yourself and within yourself.”

Ted said exploring intimacy with yourself can look many different ways. He asks his clients questions like:

“What are the things you are comfortable owning in your life and your body?”

“What are the parts that you’re resisting?”

“What is your story?”

Ted helps his clients explore how they experience intimacy with themselves and then helps them develop skills to deepen that connection. He guides his clients through self-discovery by asking them essential questions and providing support along the way.

“There’s the element of getting to know yourself,” Ted said. “So many of us feel this existential disconnect and we’re yearning for something that’s more connected. And we think it’s going to be a partner. Usually, we need to rewind it first to self, and then to partner.”

Cultivating the Core of Your Relationships

Ted said taking a spiritual approach helps develop a holistic feeling of intimacy. “Once we find that connection with the self, we often find something bigger,” Ted said. “There’s something bigger with which we’re seeking oneness.”

The desire to belong and feel connected is fundamental to human nature. Experiencing connection and belonging is not only an evolutionary or psychological drive– intimacy is essential for our health and well-being.

“We can call that consciousness or nature or God or the divine, whatever we call it, whatever we’re most comfortable with,” Ted said. “But there’s something bigger than me and us, and that’s the path to where we’re trying to get that feeling of oneness.”

The feeling of oneness, connection, or belonging cannot be found in one relationship or one person. When people search for that connection through relationships, they’re often left disappointed and disconnected. Finding that connection within oneself and not relying on a relationship is essential for emotional health.

“When it comes to relationships, there are three things that I think make a really powerful relationship,” Ted said. “One is alignment. And that doesn’t mean you agree on everything. It means you are complimentary and on the same page about the big things.”

Ted said the second element is dedication to each other’s health and well-being. This could manifest as reminders to schedule doctor’s appointments or stay in shape. Healthy couples also attend to each other’s emotional health, staying tuned in and curious about their feelings.

“The third thing is sexual polarity,” Ted said. “We need to create movement in the relationship. When people come to me, they’re struggling in one of these three areas. We can figure out what’s going on and investigate how we react. And then we can create that spark.”

Couples who feel unaligned and disconnected may struggle to get on the same page again. Ted said embracing curiosity and an embodied approach is the key to helping couples overcome their challenges.

Learning to Find Trust and Embrace Curiosity 

It’s no secret that healthy communication is the foundation of a great relationship. “I think most people are smart enough to pick up a book and read all this great stuff about healthy communication, how to show up for your partner, how to be truthful and honest,” Ted said.

He continued, “Intellectually, most of us get it right. Our bodies haven’t caught up with our intellect.”

The embodied approach teaches our bodies and brains the things about healthy relationships that we intellectually know. Conflict can be upsetting, overwhelming, and unnavigable for many people, especially those who have histories of unstable, toxic, or abusive relationships.

Unpleasant relationship experiences can cause dysregulation, making people feel unsafe in conflicts or vulnerable conversations with a partner. “Intellectually, we say we’re safe in this conversation, but my body has this old story, going back to those patterns of fear and shame,” Ted said.

We carry these patterns and stories, and the fear and shame attached to them can be triggered, even in a safe conversation. “The deeper work is to go back and uncover those things and get into the embodied part,” Ted said. “We retrain our nervous system so that we show up differently.”

Ted said the key to retraining the nervous system is trust.

“I have couples in this place of distrust,” Ted said. “It’s about retraining our bodies so that we’re not just saying the trustable things, but showing up as trustable. It’s that deep, unshakable feeling of trust that we’re looking for.”

Ted helps his clients focus on their bodies and how they react to vulnerable or stressful conversations. He also helps them replace patterns that carry shame with ones that serve the self and the relationship.

“The goal is to get individuals and couples to a place where they’re operating beautifully on their own,” Ted said. “It’s a journey.”