The Scoop: A new baby will inevitably turn your life upside down, but it doesn’t have to turn your relationship upside down. Dr. Anne Goshen’s program, Bringing Baby Home, teaches new parents how to stay connected and communicative as they enter this exciting new phase in their relationship.
Babies are your pride and joy, but they’re also a handful. Even as a toddler, I knew the moment my little sister was born that nothing would ever be the same. No more cuddles with mom in the mornings, no more quiet nights, no more peaceful car rides… I can only imagine how my parents felt when I, their firstborn, arrived, and turned their world upside down forever.
No matter how much you prepare, a baby will always impact your relationship in unexpected ways. That’s why Dr. Anne Goshen’s Bringing Baby Home program, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman of The Gottman Institute, is so important. With her guidance, couples can transition into parenthood as a team. “This program is designed to help couples keep their relationship close, connected, and thriving during this very stressful time,” Anne explained.
After all, “The very best gift you can give your child is a strong, healthy relationship between [you and your partner],” she told us. When you tend to your relationship, you tend to your child, too.
You Can Overcome The Stress
Anne pointed out how this time of “great joy and hope” can have a dark side. She referenced a study conducted by Drs. John and Julie Gottman of The Gottman Institute, a famed husband-and-wife team of relationship counselors. “The Gottmans did longitudinal studies over decades of time with the same couples, and they discovered that the most stressful time in a relationship is after the birth of the first child,” she told us.
You and your significant other will inevitably feel overwhelmed in the months following the birth of your first child. So when stress rears its ugly head, try not to be too hard on yourself. There’s a tiny alien in your house, and it can’t speak or walk, let alone tell you why it’s crying! The pressure that comes with this responsibility would gnaw at even the calmest among us.
Add a lack of sleep to the mix, and you’re basically a powder keg about to explode. “Many couples don’t really recognize how impactful disturbed sleep is on themselves personally, and on their relationship with their partner,” Anne told us.
When you lose sleep on a consistent basis, you’re going to be irritable and low-energy, two words that don’t exactly equal “romance.”
“How can you sleep through our baby crying?!” is just one of the sentences you might find yourself saying (or shouting) at your partner during those challenging early months. Is there a stronger stressor than the sound of your baby crying? A sleepless night spent tending to the baby — and bickering over whose turn it is to get up — is not very conducive to sexual intimacy.
When tensions are high and you’re overwhelmed, Anne recommended talking to your partner about how you’re feeling. “Sometimes, when we don’t think we should feel a certain way, we don’t want to talk about it with our partners,” she explained. “That also creates a distance.” Communication bridges this gap and reminds you that you’re both on the same team.
Positivity can also squash stress. I get it: When kids are screaming and dinner is burning and your partner is working your last nerve, the last thing you want to do is “look at the bright side.” The chicken is burnt! There is no bright side! Anne advised her clients to take a deep breath and look at the big picture.
“Look for the positives with your partner,” she told us. “Observe and acknowledge their efforts, even if it’s not perfect.”
Your Relationship Dynamic Will Change
A baby completely changes a couple’s dynamic. It’s not uncommon for the person who didn’t physically carry the child for nine months to feel an emotional distance at first. “Dad doesn’t quite know where he fits in,” Anne told us. “If the couple isn’t tuned into the importance of their relationship … the dad might feel peripheral.”
You might even hear your partner ask, “What about me?”
This can be the reality for fathers and for mothers. It’s entirely possible for a mother to feel just as emotionally drained and touch-starved as her husband. There was a time when you and your partner only had eyes for each other, and Anne told us you can renew that spark.
Anne’s Bringing Baby Home program reignites intimacy between new parents during a potentially destabilizing time. “Through this program, the couple will ideally be more of a team, which is critical for the health of the relationship and the family as a whole,” Anne explained.
She assured us there’s plenty of love and attention to go around if you put in the effort. Consider a standing date night or a set hour to watch your favorite TV show together.
And before you say no, consider this point from Anne: “When you go out on a date, you’re not taking away from your child, you’re giving something to your child.”
In other words: “The strength and connection between a couple is critical for them, but also for their baby,” Anne pointed out. Your relationship may not seem as important as your baby, but give it a little water and sunlight every now and then. Your partner — and your kids — will thank you for it.
“The strength and connection between a couple is critical for them, but also for their baby.”
Let’s say, for example, that you have tried your best to give your partner as much attention as your kids, but still feel like you’ve fallen short. Or maybe you’re giving your relationship your all, but your partner isn’t pulling their weight. In these situations, Anne recommended that you voice your concerns.
“The ability to talk openly with each other is part of what we work on in this program,” she explained. “We give couples tools to stay connected.” One of these tools comes in the form of a question. “In what ways do you reach out to each other?” If you don’t have a definitive answer, then that could be your problem — and the path to your solution.
Understanding ‘Mom Guilt’
Anne addressed a hot-button issue among parents, but especially mothers: guilt. “The ‘mom guilt’. I don’t know if dads feel it in the same way. I think it’s built into our hormones,” she joked.
Maybe she has a point. “In most cases, [the mother] carried this little person inside her body for nine months, so there’s already a very close relationship,” she told us. With so much emotion invested, it’s not uncommon to feel guilt or even self-loathing if you make a mistake or prioritize yourself (for once).
“Often the other side of guilt is resentment,” Anne explained. For example, if you stay home from work to care for your sick baby, it’s normal to feel “a mix of feelings,” she told us. You might resent having to miss work, and then you might feel guilty for feeling resentful, and then you might worry about your baby’s health on top of everything else. Sound familiar?
You and your partner should be able to open up to one another about your thoughts, fears, and ideas without shame or guilt. “Moms and dads need to be able to say, ‘I’m feeling some resentment,’” Anne said. Otherwise, you risk creating more distance.
If you’re “touched out” from a day of play with your kid, tell your partner you’re not interested in being touched for the night. If you’re concerned about your baby crying from the other room while you and your partner have sex, tell them about that, too.
Anne suggested a way to make these complex feelings more manageable. “Rituals are so important, especially when there’s a new baby,” she told us. Having a newborn is stressful enough; take away some of the guesswork by establishing firm routines, not only with your baby, but with your partner, too.
It’s important to have rituals you can count on amid the hustle and bustle of family life. Anne recommended that couples arrange for a babysitter to come over once a week so you and your partner can spend some time together.
Try to remember particular details about your partner’s day so you can ask them about it when you’re together again. And if your partner has their own idea about how to care for your child, don’t be afraid to loosen the reins. If you can’t let go from time to time, your partner might “pull back,” she said.
If you can balance childcaring responsibilities with your S.O., you can both feel lighter and calmer, not to mention less guilty. In this way, working as a team naturally brings couples together.
Dr. Anne Goshen of San Diego, CA, is a Certified Gottman Method Therapist, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist, and Imago Relationship Therapist. She provides therapy and workshops (The Art & Science of Love and Bringing Baby Home) to help couples achieve more fulfilling relationships.
