The term “cougar” gets thrown around a lot these days and seems to end up applied to women of almost any age, dating partners even as little as a year or two younger than them. But what is a cougar, really? Where did the term come from, and what does it mean to be a cougar?
Calling someone a cougar is a complicated proposition: the word is steeped in a surprising amount of history, controversy, and contradictory feelings, given how recently it started to come into play. It’s a word that can be used to empower or objectify, to celebrate or condemn.
Learning the history of the term cougar and thinking a little more deeply about what it means, that it exists, and how it’s used can help you decide whether it’s a term you want to use. Let’s take a moment to dig into this term and everything that goes along with it.
Defining the Term “Cougar”
Slang terms tend to shift and change meanings over time, and that has definitely been the case with the word “cougar.” The word has evolved a lot since being coined, going from referring to an assertive, sexually confident older woman to taking on both positive and negative connotations.
Long before anyone began referring to cougars, the archetype of the happy, lusty older woman had already gone back centuries. Chaucer’s Wife of Bath, the early 20th century opera “The Merry Widow,” “The First Wives Club,” and countless other stories reflect a clear idea of older, unmarried women being sexually assertive and confident in themselves.
While the origins of the slang term cougar are obscure, it’s clear that the concept behind it is anything but new.
Early Origins and Popularization
It’s hard to say when people began referring to an older, sexually assertive woman seeking a younger partner as a cougar, but the Online Etymology Dictionary places the first documented use in 2002 and suggests that the term originated in Canada. Other sources place the origin of the term as far back as 1999.
It’s possible — even likely — that the term was in use before that, as usually happens with slang words and phrases, but it’s hard to trace usage that isn’t written or otherwise documented.
According to Green’s Dictionary of Slang, the word was widespread enough by 2006 to show up in a Courier-Post article and was used in South Africa by 2012 and Australia by 2014 at the latest.
The popularization of the term came easily, especially with the rise of older female celebrities like Madonna and Demi Moore pursuing younger male partners.
The term began appearing in pop culture regularly starting in 2006 with references made by fictional playboy Barney Stinson in “How I Met Your Mother,” the movie “Cougar Club” in 2007, and of course, the 2009 TV show “Cougar Town.”
The Rise of the Cougar Phenomenon
Although the idea of older women seeking out younger male partners is far from new, the social discourse around the phenomenon has changed a lot over the centuries, and the term “cougar” cements that shift.
From TV shows and movies to lyrics in songs and references in the news, the media latched onto the cougar concept quickly. The continued popularity of female celebrities into their 40s, 50s, and beyond likely played a big role in making the term so commonplace.
In addition, the growing independence of older women — whether via alimony or insurance payments from earlier spouses or from their own participation in the workforce — means that going after younger partners isn’t only accessible to the wealthy and famous.
Traditionally, older women seeking out younger partners were viewed as desperate or even delusional, but as the phenomenon became more and more normalized, niche dating sites and apps grew, and social discourse around the women who seek out virile, less-established sexual partners continued to evolve and gain nuances.
The Feminist Cougar: Empowered or Objectified?
Is the average cougar an empowered, feminist sexual dynamo, or is she just another sexual object for men to enjoy? That’s the question that the cultural discussion around the cougar phenomenon pivots around, and there’s not really a clear answer. To dig a little deeper, let’s examine both sides of the argument.
Empowerment Through Sexual Agency
There are plenty of women who feel that the cougar title is a point of pride. As an anonymous contributor wrote in The Guardian back in 2010, “I like the comparison with a powerful, sleek and very cute looking beast.” She isn’t alone in feeling that way, either.
Cougar falls alongside “man-eater” in sexually charged slang, capturing a similar predatory vibe and sexually aggressive twist. And similarly, there are plenty of women out there who embrace the title as a banner for their sexual freedom.
Labels like cougar can make many women feel powerful for obvious reasons: the comparison to a strong, capable predator that also has a certain dangerous beauty is easy to take as a compliment. Who doesn’t want to be a powerful, strong, enigmatic, and beautiful figure?
The sexually assertive associations with the term also appeal to many women due to the history of cultural policing of women’s sexuality. With podcasters and pundits alike decrying “body count,” and other markers of female promiscuity, the freedom to pursue an active sex life that comes with being a cougar can be thrilling.
The term also bucks against historical and even current expectations levied on women to marry young, settle down, and devote themselves to their spouses, children, and extended family. Although traditional lifestyles are less and less of a priority to people in the 21st century, the stigma of being a single woman over 40 lingers.
The Objectification Argument
Although many women proudly bear the title of cougar, there are just as many who consider it insulting, degrading, and misogynistic. And they have a point: cougar shows up just as commonly on porn pages as it does in women’s empowerment circles, if not more so. It stands along with MILF and other terms meant to designate a sexually desirable older woman.
And that’s the core of the argument around the term cougar as objectification: as critics of the word point out, it reduces the women to their age and sexual desirability.
That argument has some teeth, especially given the number of cougar dating guides out there, many featuring faceless women in skimpy clothes and provocative poses. Another piece of evidence is the sometimes objectifying imagery featured on cougar dating sites.
There’s no question that terms used to describe and discuss female sexuality often take on misogynistic undertones, but many women challenge the idea that such undertones are inherent to the terms they’re attached to. Plenty of women also embrace the term hoe, designating a promiscuous woman, and argue for the reclaiming of the judgmental label.
Female sexuality has long been stigmatized, while male sexuality is accepted and even celebrated. It’s a cruel double standard.
From Megan Thee Stallion embracing “Real Hot Girl Shit” to writers extolling the virtues of their hoe phase, many women feel that flinching away from judgmental attitudes toward feminine sexuality is only playing into misogyny and that the best way to fight the stigma is to embrace it wholeheartedly.
Then, too, there’s the fact that older men can seek out younger partners without much consequence or — in most cases, at least — social commentary. The idea of “starter wives,” of men seeking out a younger, more conventionally attractive, and pliant woman once they’re more established, is thoroughly normalized. Handsome older men are “Daddy” or referred to as silver foxes, which have a bit more respect attached to them than the term cougar.
There’s no denying that older women who seek younger partners still experience a great deal of stigma and exploitation.
The Stigma & Exploitation in Media
Despite the normalization of age-gap dating for men and women alike, there remains a lot of stigma around older singles seeking out younger partners. This is especially true for women, with many social commentators weighing in on the “shelf life” of women based on their reproductive potential.
As always, the media plays a major role in both exposing and perpetuating the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to cougar dating, but the friction and nuances exist even without the commentary.
Ageism in Dating
Ageism is an unfortunate fact of life that everyone faces at some point, whether in the job market or in the dating world. Ageism in dating can fall on both men and women, depending on the dating site or app in question, but women definitely get a much harder impact than men.
Where older men on dating sites and apps like Tinder, Match, and eharmony typically give the impression of being “distinguished” or “established” in comparison to their younger counterparts, women over the age of 40 on such services find themselves labeled “desperate,” or get accused of “trying too hard.”
In fact, the verbiage around age gap dating, as well as the image presented, depends a lot on which member of a proposed couple is older. Age gap dating sites catering to older men tend to focus on the idea of the potential partners being experienced, mature, and powerful — financially, and usually physically as well — in juxtaposition with beautiful, more innocent partners.
Meanwhile, the wording found on sites catering to older women and younger partners typically focuses on sexual gratification, with the women depicted not as powerful and independent but generally more as desirable and sexually titillating.
Even though age gap dating sites tend to skew a lot more towards transactional relationships between the older and younger partners, with a heavy sexual charge, the way that the older half of a couple tends to be presented can say a lot about how society as a whole views the mature partner.
Exploitation of the Cougar Image
With so much attention devoted to older women’s sexual adventures in popular media, the image of the cougar has a tendency to become sensationalized and exploited. Of course, this is nothing new: from as far back as Chaucer’s Wife of Bath and even further back to Greek and Roman comedies, older women’s sexual appetites have been subject to ridicule and exaggeration.
But the increased interest in sexually liberated older women definitely comes with some comedic harshness. “How I Met Your Mother” features probably the most obvious example in the episode “Aldrin Justice,” where Barney Stinson pursues Professor Lewis. The character of Marshall’s tough-grader professor comes across as predatory and shrewish.
Although she isn’t cited as a cougar specifically, the character of Rhonda “Man Maker” French is another example: she’s Barney’s neighbor when he’s a teenager, and is shown repeatedly to be lewd, aggressive, and morally questionable.
The go-to example for many people is Mrs. Robinson in “The Graduate.” She pursues Benjamin Braddock aggressively and manipulates him while they’re together, even going so far as to claim to her daughter that Benjamin sexually assaulted her.
Mrs. Robinson is the trope codifier for the attractive, yet sexually manipulative older woman in fiction. It’s no coincidence that the term cougar has predatory undertones.
Another example of a similar line is Stifler’s Mom in the “American Pie” movies, who is portrayed as sexually voracious and aggressive with younger men across several movies. Although the franchise refers to her as a MILF rather than as a cougar, she’s a prime example of the archetype in the media, down to pursuing partners the same age as her son.
All in all, the media representations of cougars tend to have certain — often derogatory — traits in common: cold-blooded, demanding, sexually aggressive to the point of borderline sexual assault, manipulative, and ethically questionable. These portrayals are often unfair and salacious rather than humane or nuanced.
Reality vs Stereotype
The reality of older women in the dating world is very different from media stereotypes about cougars, of course. Most older women who seek out younger partners are looking for a genuine connection. While sexual stamina is frequently a consideration, cougars aren’t just a bunch of sex-crazed women seeking out men too young to know better.
In fact, as many older women in age-gap relationships can attest, dating younger is often a way to find men who share their values and interests more closely. While the gaps in intergenerational values are decreasing, there’s no question that Gen X and the youngest Baby Boomer women have a lot more in common with Millennial and Gen Z men than they tend to have with men of their own generation.
While there are many suggestions that the younger men get the short end of the stick in an age-gap relationship, the “cubs” generally don’t see it that way. Men who seek older women for romantic connections say that they appreciate the clear, direct communication that tends to come with partnering with a mature woman.
Mature women also tend to be more confident and more self-aware than their younger counterparts. Put simply, they know what they want.
Of course, the growing interest and popularity of age-gap relationships doesn’t mean that the stigma has gone away. Even though research shows that older women with younger partners tend to have higher romantic and sexual satisfaction than other women, pushback from society at large continues to make it difficult for women to pursue these connections.
While age-gap relationships all tend to attract some criticism, older women (along with older gay men) attract far more and far harsher critiques for their dating choices than older men tend to. It’s considered “natural” and “expected” for an older man to seek out younger women, but strange, off-putting, and unnatural for older women to want a younger partner.
Dating as an Older Woman Today: New Perspectives & Trends
It’s a verifiable fact that singles, in general, have never had as many dating options as they do today, with the rise of dating apps and sites connecting people around the world based on common interests and values.
For older women, the shift to online dating provides ample opportunities to connect without the interference of the outside world: expectations, stereotypes, fetishes, and harassment set aside in favor of compatibility and mutual interests.
These online dating platforms have transformed the way older women seek out partners, whatever their preferred age is.
Dating Apps Give People Options
Dating apps and dating sites opened up a whole world of romantic options to everyone and anyone, and that’s especially true for older women. While things can occasionally be tough for women over 40 on mainstream online dating platforms like Tinder and OkCupid, it’s still a lot easier to exercise choice and agency online.
Online dating makes it easy to be as selective as you want when seeking out a partner. If you’re looking for an athletic man in his 30s who loves mountain climbing and waffles with blue eyes and brown hair, dating sites, and apps make it easier to choose from those men specifically.
Then, too, there are dating apps and sites dedicated to older women and the younger men and women who are interested in them. Sites like Cougar Life provide an ample hunting ground for cougars looking for the right cub to date, and while there is a certain element of fetishization, it also provides a safe space free from harassment.
Shifting Cultural Norms
One reason that older women increasingly tend to seek out younger partners is the fact that younger men tend to be more open-minded and share interests and values with women. These shifting cultural norms mean that liberated women find younger partners a lot more interesting than their “age-appropriate” counterparts.
Shifting attitudes towards age gaps and who it’s appropriate to date also mean that mature women face less stigma and disapproval for seeking out a partner that meets their needs more fully. Dating younger partners can be an example of self-expression and autonomy: they don’t need their partners to provide because they provide for themselves.
Testimonials From the Modern Cougar
Despite the stigma and difficulties that can come with seeking younger partners, many older women hold up their cougar status proudly. Even if they reject the specific label, older women with younger partners consistently report being happier than other women in relationships.
In a Reddit post about successful older woman-younger man relationships, user bookish_gym wrote, “I am 50, and my partner of 3 years is 30. I never set out to be in a relationship with that much of a gap, but he is truly one of those “old souls” whose taste runs toward older music, movies, etc…He also happens to be the hottest man I’ve ever dated and the one who is most emotionally intelligent (not perfect ha ha but we work on ourselves and he apologizes when he’s messed up!).”
Leslie Morgan, writing for Swaay, waxed poetic about dating younger men, explaining, “I quickly realized that — warning, blanket stereotype coming — men under 40 are more straightforward and adventurous than older men, maybe since they were raised with the internet.
You hear so often about the scourge of crude, sexist online pornography; and I agree that the depersonalization of women as sexual playthings is deeply destructive to all genders. However, from sexting to foreplay, I found younger men uniquely enthusiastic about getting naked and enjoying sex.”
Plenty of older women find that dating younger men adds zest and intrigue to their lives, and they’re no longer afraid to open up about how rewarding that experience can be. Some, like Susan Winter, even parlay their experiences into helping other mature women succeed in romances with younger men.
Moving Beyond the Label
Whether you embrace the label or hate it, mature women in age gap relationships are happier, more satisfied, and feel more loved than their counterparts. By stepping away from the objectifications and stereotypes, younger men and older women can connect over shared interests and values, and discover something truly special.
Don’t let age get in the way of finding the right partner!
