A Sexpert Explains Why Communication Is the Key to Sexual Confidence

Sex: We all think about it, but when was the last time you and your partner actually talked about it?

Years can fly by without couples clearly voicing their desires. It has happened to me, and it has probably happened to you, too. It’s wild how you share a bed with your partner, but for some reason, it can be much harder to share your thoughts about sex. 

This is something Dr. Tara, a sex expert, professor, author, and podcast host, has experienced firsthand. “I’m obsessed with studying, teaching, talking, and making content about sexuality and sexual empowerment,” she told us. 

Dr. Tara’s lively personality and seemingly endless scope of knowledge make her a go-to source for info about sexual communication. “My goal is to move sex positivity forward so that people can feel more comfortable being themselves,” Dr. Tara explained. 

Her three-point self improvement plan is sure to get you and your partner excited about sexual communication again. 

Communication Skills Begin In Childhood 

As a young dater, Dr. Tara made a startling discovery: Her upbringing did, in fact, affect the way she communicated in her adult relationships. “I grew up in a very sexually conservative, repressive environment,” she told us. “And at the time, I did not know what kind of impact it would have on me as I became a young adult.”

Of course, her upbringing caught up to her eventually. “As I got older, I realized that all the cultural beliefs I learned about sexuality, about women’s bodies and autonomy, were false,” she admitted. 

This realization could have left her reeling, but instead, it motivated her to use her newfound knowledge for good. “I wanted to really help people feel more empowered and less ashamed of their sexuality,” she said. Dr. Tara’s passion for sexual empowerment led to her career as a professor of relational and sexual communication. She’s not just a sex expert — she’s a sexpert. 

“It seems to be a trend that people don’t proactively talk about their sexual needs and desires, so they shove it down, and they become extremely resentful,” Dr. Tara explained. 

“This is a very unhealthy cycle I’ve seen in a lot of people,” she added. Whether you’re having casual sex or are in a serious relationship, Dr. Tara recommends honing your communication skills. 

The word is easy to say, but not so easy to put into action. “It’s very important to take a proactive approach to talking about sex in your relationship,” she advised.  

Try talking about the implications of sex, your passions, and your boundaries. As a relationship evolves, so does one’s sexuality. “People who are dating — whether it’s their first month of dating or they’ve been together 10 years — should really be talking about sex more regularly and consistently, like, at least once every two weeks or once a month,” Dr. Tara told us. 

If this type of ongoing communication doesn’t come naturally to you, it could be because of the way your parents discussed sex during your childhood. “We found that people who come from families who are communicative about sex are more sexually confident, and people are better at sexual communication.”

There’s a direct correlation between how you talked about sex as an adolescent and how you talk about sex as an adult. “It really starts with the family,” Dr. Tara added. 

If you’re a parent yourself, knowing about this correlation can save your kids from feeling the same shame you felt. Dr. Tara suggested using the proper vocabulary for the human body with your kids. This is a small but impactful way to remind them that sex isn’t shameful.

Communicating should happen internally and externally. You have to communicate with yourself about sexual matters if you ever want to know what you actually desire from your partner.

Dr. Tara’s Three Step Self-Improvement Process

Dr. Tara has formed a unique three-step process for sexual self-improvement. 

“The very first step is to practice sexual meditation regularly,” she told us. Sexual meditation is a great excuse to close the door on the outside world for a few minutes and envision your ideal sexual encounter. You may be surprised what your mind comes up with. 

“Through sexual meditation, you’ll be able to feel your body more and connect your body with your breath,” she explained. “And that really contributes to pleasure.” Dr. Tara speaks from experience. “I think (sexual meditation) has helped me feel very comfortable in my body,” she told us. 

Everyone has five minutes to meditate. It’s a small — even fun — act that can have huge benefits. The same can be said for the second step of Dr. Tara’s dating plan: journaling. 

As a sexpert, Dr. Tara encourages people to open up about their sexual hang-ups and desires.

“Journaling changed my life because it reinforces positive self-talk,” Dr. Tara told us. If you were to talk to your friend the way you talk to yourself, would they toss a beverage in your face? You’d be surprised how cruel you can be to yourself … and how healing consistent positive self-talk can be. 

“Our brains are like supercomputers, and you want to wire it to believe that we’re good, we’re worthy, and we deserve nice things. It’s the same with sexual confidence and sexual self esteem,” Dr. Tara explained. “You have to reinforce it every day.” 

Dr. Tara’s third step is pleasure mapping. “Go through and massage different parts of your body, starting from the top of your head to your toes,” she explained. “Massage different erogenous zones.” As you massage, take note of what is an obvious “yes” zone and what’s a “no” zone. 

By mapping out your pleasure zones, you not only get to know your own body better, but your sexual desires, too. This makes explaining what you want to your partner even easier. Better yet, do the pleasure mapping process with your partner. 

“Where does a lack of confidence come from? It comes from not knowing how to exist in a situation,” Dr. Tara explained. “So learning about your partner’s body and your own body will give you more confidence.” 

Try to incorporate pleasure mapping into your sexual routine. You’d be surprised how many discoveries you’ll make. “Sometimes I find new spots, too, because I change,” she said. “Sometimes you have a baby, and your body changes. Maybe somewhere you used to like being touched, you don’t like it anymore.” It’s all part of growing and evolving with your partner. 

Tell Your Partner What You Desire 

Communication isn’t only helpful for people who grew up in a conservative environment. You could be the most sexually free person in the world, and you still might hesitate to tell your partner about your needs or desires. Maybe you’re afraid they’ll take your honesty as an insult. 

“That tends to be why people reach out to professionals to help them navigate this kind of conversation, especially if there’s something else you want to try that you feel like your partner might not accept,” Dr. Tara said. 

When it comes to sharing a new desire or kink with your partner, Dr. Tara told us that education is just as important as communication. “If you want them to feel more comfortable … you should equip them with education,” she suggested. 

She recommended sending your partner an episode of your favorite podcast that deals with the topic you want to talk about. Maybe an episode of Dr. Tara’s Luvbites podcast, perhaps? 

“Say, ‘Listen to this and let me know what you think.’ Nothing about you, nothing about what you want to try, nothing about them. Just, ‘Listen to this.’” You can jump start tough conversations by taking personal aspects out of it at first. This lowers the stakes and the pressure. 

It’s great to “speak your truth,” but to expect your partner to automatically accept your truth without question is unrealistic. “I think allowing people to gather information and thoughts and form their opinion is very important,” Dr. Tara said. Consent is key, and if your partner ultimately decides against fulfilling your desire, you need to respect their choice. 

To seek out Dr. Tara’s advice, you can check out her new radio show, Loveline, a revival of the hit ‘90s radio show. “This time around, it’s going to be fun, flirty, sexy, and real,” she told us. You can ask Dr. Tara questions directly on KROQ-FM in L.A. on Sundays at 10 P.M. 

And as a certified sexpert, Dr. Tara will undoubtedly field countless calls — and dispense valuable words of wisdom.