The Scoop: To find sexual empowerment, you’ll need the language and knowledge to understand and hold it. David Khalili, a sex and relationship therapist, talked to us about how therapy can help men overcome painful experiences and step into self-actualized experiences of sexuality.

The word “empowerment” comes up a lot when I’m writing about relationships. We all want to feel empowered in our dating lives and in our romantic relationships, but to do that, we have to investigate what empowerment means.

Empowerment is about claiming the power already inside you. When it comes to relationships and sex, empowerment is about feeling connected and strengthened by the decisions you make. You can make embodied choices and feel great about them afterward.

rouse relational wellness
David helped us explore sex therapy.

Sexual empowerment gives us what we need for healthy relationships with ourselves and others. And, for many people, to find empowerment means moving through the painful experiences that have held you back from embracing your sexuality in its wholeness. 

When a person is raised in an environment where they receive conflicting messages about sex, sexual orientation, or gender, finding empowerment with the help of a therapist becomes a more direct path. Therapists give you the tools, knowledge, and language you need to express your truest self.

David Khalili is a sexologist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and the founder of Rouse Relational Wellness. His specialty lies in helping men discover and explore their sexualities in a way that centers empowerment. 

David talked to us about his unique professional background, explored why people may seek sex and relationship therapy, and gave some details about the importance of curiosity and holding space.

“In the States, we’re caught in this double bind of being sexual beings, we have sexual drives and interests,” David said. “But we’re raised in an environment where we’re not allowed to talk about it or we’re told to talk about in a very particular way based on different identities that we hold, or that are given to us.”

Rouse Relational Wellness Helps People Find Connection

David’s professional story can be traced back to a sex therapy class he took while pursuing filmmaking. He took psychology classes to help with his writing, and when he saw a class on sexuality, he was intrigued.

“So I took it, and it was taught by an older woman from New York who was just fantastic,” David said. “She talked about sex and sexuality so frankly and directly, it was really refreshing. Something clicked for me, and I realized that was what I wanted to do.”

David said part of his interest in sex therapy was the influence of this many identities. On one hand, he was holding parts of his parents’ identities as immigrants, and his identity as the child of immigrants. He was holding their distinct cultural backgrounds, while also holding his own identity as queer.

“I haven’t really fit into one category or box,” David said. “And many of us don’t. I wanted to create this practice as a way to hold that space for those who had a similar experience, so they know they don’t have to fit into a box.”

rouse relaitonal wellness
Rouse Relational Wellness helps people rediscover connections with themselves and others.

Rouse Relational Wellness’ tagline is “shame less, love more.” David and the rest of the team focuses on helping each client “find out who they are and integrate that into their life.” With a therapist like David, you’re the expert on yourself and your sexuality. 

A therapist helps you explore and express your sexuality while overcoming blockages or painful memories. David’s therapeutic space is designed to hold and honor the elements of your story or sexuality that are most important to you.

Last year, David published a Mental Health Workbook for Men designed to boost confidence, openness, and emotional vulnerability. “In it, I talk a lot about psychological, social, and emotional well-being for men,” he said. “Obviously, a lot of the exercises can be done by people of any gender, but I’ve focused on men.”

David said his work in the past 15 years has helped him identify a different type of anxiety or pressure that men feel around sex that’s different from the way other genders often experience it. Many men may feel caught in the double bind of being expected to perform in a certain way, while not feeling that performance is a reflection of who they are.

“And this can lead to shame and anxiety when they don’t fall perfectly within that box,” David said. “And a lot of guys do not fall into the stereotype of always being ready for sex.”

Bringing Everything to the Surface

When discord arises between how we feel about our sexuality and how we express it, our entire well-being is impacted. The longer we keep that discord inside and unspoken, the more it disrupts our relationships and lives.

“What ends up happening when there’s been restrictions, shame, moralizing, panics, and judgment surrounding our sexuality is depression, anxiety, and shame,” David said. “And certainly trauma for many folks. And it doesn’t just impact your sexuality and relationships. It touches all parts of your life.”

Sexual health is one of the most overlooked aspects of personal health. Similar to our physical or emotional health, when our sexual health is in the gutter, the rest of our body is going to notice. So will our relationships, work, hobbies– everything. 

sexual health and sexuality
Everyone deserves a self-actualized and empowered experience of their sexuality.

An empowered expression of sexuality is just as much part of good sexual health as going to the doctor and using protection. In his work with men, David helps them understand normal sexual functioning and dispels some of the negative mainstream messages men routinely receive about their sexualities. 

“My work with men has been to understand that we have many different parts, and these parts of ourselves shift and change and grow,” David said. “We’re not just one human. We have different parts of ourselves, and we’re allowed to change and develop.”

In therapy, David gives you the room to move past the shame and anxiety that past experiences have left you with and replace them with a self-authored vision of sexuality, connection, and relationship. 

You get to create your own story, and the best part is that vision can change and transform as you discover more about yourself and the kind of connections you’re longing for.

Stay Curious When Things Get Vulnerable

Much like the word empowerment, “vulnerability” is an important word in the therapy and relationship space. The word is used a lot because it’s important; vulnerability is a necessity if we want close, meaningful relationships with ourselves and others.

Vulnerability and intimacy go hand in hand, and, the way David sees it, both relate back to the nervous system.

“I’m a big fan of helping folks understand how their nervous system is interacting with their day-to-day life, that this is a huge part of us that does drive quite a bit of ourselves,” David explained. “I help them understand how to read their bodies, their body language, their sensations, to have the early warning signs they’re experiencing anxiety or shame.”

vulnerability
Vulnerability can be uncomfortable. Embrace it and move through the discomfort.

David has his clients track how their bodies feel, what their bodies are telling them, and how they can identify those sensations as anxiety, shame, or another emotion. He then gives them tools and techniques they can use to break those negative patterns and replace them with self-knowledge and love.

To be in touch with our bodies and emotions, we have to practice a level of vulnerability with ourselves. This vulnerability is also essential for our sexual and emotional relationships with other people. 

“Guys that I’ve talked to about this can kind of get intense with me and challenge me by questioning if vulnerability is a good thing, 100% of the time with 100% people,” David said. “And that’s not what I’m saying. You have to be selective about who you are vulnerable with, but you have to be vulnerable with the people who you trust.”

Vulnerability can be a difficult experience for people who aren’t practiced. David said staying curious about your feelings and bodily experiences while avoiding judgment can help you practice, and eventually embody, vulnerability with yourself and the people you trust.