Couples Counseling Has Changed. This Therapist Says It’s a Good Thing.

People talk about Gen Z’s work ethic all the time. When I graduated college– I mean the commencement ceremony itself– our keynote speaker was Tyler Perry. And what was his speech about?

He told our graduating class we were lazy workers and needed to kick into gear.

It was one of the most disappointing things ever. Not only did we complete four years of college, but we did so from 2018 to 2022. Our college experience, and early 20s, were massively impacted by the pandemic and its lasting effects. My college experience was not easy, and I felt I had been far from lazy.

I think Gen Z gets a bad rep for a couple of reasons, and it’s mainly because Gen Z approaches work far differently than our Gen X parents and baby boomer grandparents. The way I see it, Gen Z is taking a balanced approach to work and free time and prioritizing their mental health.

I guess that can look lazy to people who’ve never had the ability to do so. Remote work has allowed many Gen Zers to usher in and embrace a change in the way we view and approach work. 

But technology has shaped so much more than just our jobs. It’s changed how we make friends, find partners, and keep relationships. Technology has changed relationships just as it’s changed everything else.

That means the therapy approaches that worked for our parents aren’t going to work for us.

Kristen Tandy, LPCC, talked to us about the changes she’s seen in couples since the beginning of her career and how the therapy world is keeping up. Couples are looking for a deeper understanding of each other and of themselves. 

“We dive into the root cause of where people go in conflict and the specific ways people communicate when they’re in a relationship and when they’re in conflict,” Kristen said. “Different modalities are emerging to treat really specific issues.”

What Couples Face Today

Kristen got her start with career counseling, but even while helping people navigate their jobs, one thing kept popping up again and again. Relationships. Her clients weren’t just finding their way through their careers. 

They were juggling their parent’s expectations, their spouse’s needs, and their view of themselves. The health of our relationships affects every other aspect of our health. When one area doesn’t get the attention it needs, our relationships are going to feel the blow.

Since couples therapy has existed, couples report one problem area more than any others: communication. “Couples come in and they’re like ‘We need to work on communication,’” Kristen told us. “And that can mean so many different things.”

When I struggle with communication with my partner, it’s usually not just about the way we talk. There’s almost always a deeper issue at play. And phones, as much as they connect us, are creating serious communication gaps for couples.

“It isn’t shocking to anybody, but people are on their phones a lot,” Kristen said. “Technology affects relationships. There’s no denying it. I hear couples who are in the middle of conversations and one of them picks up their phone and starts texting.”

Kristen said poor phone practices aren’t just happening among Gen Z. Turns out the allure of a screen is an equal opportunity offering; she said she sees it across all age ranges. 

Phones give us a quick escape, and when we’re not careful, they make avoiding relationship problems easier. They can become our co-conspirators in, as Kristen puts it, “peacing-out when our partner says something we don’t like.”

“We need a distraction from life sometimes,” Kristen said. “And usually we turn to technology. But what we’re missing is we can turn to our partners, who are also available and ready to give us that.”

The problems go deeper than just phones, though. When couples are making it to therapy, they’re not able to implement the tools that their therapist brings them. And what’s a tool if you don’t know how to use it?

Investigating Shifts in Therapeutic Approaches

Different therapy approaches have popped up to help couples actually use the tools therapy gives them. We can all read a book about what healthy communication looks like– it’s the practice that get tricky.

“I see couples experience positive effects within months of beginning counseling,” Kristen said. “It happens when they’re talking regularly and regularly using the tools.” The key to getting couples to use tools is exploring the deeper issues keeping them from the tools in the first place.

One way to do this is through an approach called Relational Life Therapy. Relational Life Therapy gets at healing the root of dysfunction, rather than bandaging up the wounds it leaves.

Kristen is in practice at Colorado Relationship Recovery, which specializes in Relational Life Therapy. She told us the approach dives into the roots of why couples don’t want to use the tools therapy provides them.

Relational Life Therapy is a modality that represents a shift in the therapy world. “Different modalities over the years have really tried to give that silver bullet of being the thing that helps you with this one specific thing,” Kristen said.

But recently, couples are looking for fixes that go deeper. “We want to know why we do the things we do in conflict,” Kristen told us. “Oftentimes, it’s going back to how their family taught you to have conflict, and how they demonstrated it.”

This return to childhood and past experiences is the mark of these new therapeutic approaches. We’re not looking for quick fixes or bandaids. We want to understand our partners, ourselves, and our relationships in holistic ways.

With the rise of techniques like Relational Life Therapy, there’s an opportunity for couples to change their relationships for the better. “Couples can get the awareness and knowledge they need why they don’t use the tools, and that empowers them to shift away from those limiting habits,” Kristen said. 

Micro Self-Care for Busy People

If Relational Life Therapy had one keyword, it would be awareness. This awareness extends to others and the self, and a big part of self-awareness is knowing your needs and then being able to fulfill them.

“This might just be in the therapy world, but I feel like self-care is always such a topic,” Kristen said. “We’re always trying to teach people self-care. And the ways people are thinking about and defining self-care is expanding and changing.”

Self-care has been a part of the cultural lexicon for a few years now. I remember worried teachers in my high school years telling us stressed-out students to practice self-care. At the time, their recommendations were exercise, reaching out to your loved ones when you need support, and eating healthy food.

These are all great recommendations, but self-care can take many forms. “I talk a lot about micro self-care with people,” Kristen said. “These are self-care actions you can do in five minutes or less.”

Five minutes can be more than you think, especially when you’re able to dedicate it all to yourself. If you want to find a micro self-care routine that works for you, Kristen said to start by asking yourself what you really enjoy doing.

This should be something that recharges you and calms you. If you love books, this can be five minutes in a private and quiet space with your current read. If you love coffee, it could be making a decadent iced drink in the morning. Kristen said it doesn’t really matter what it is. All that matters is that you do it on purpose.

Self-awareness empowers us to know when we need a break, and self-care can be a tool for giving ourselves that break. When we can give ourselves what we need to be well, it becomes a lot easier to extend that to our partners. 

Self-care doesn’t just make us feel better– it makes connection with the people we love easier.