Key Takeaways

Portland just became the largest U.S. city to pass legislation specifically protecting polyamorous couples and their families from discrimination, adding the words “family or relationship structure” to the city’s anti-discrimination ordinance.

“​Families exist in many diverse forms, and providing an expanded definition of family status will expand nondiscrimination protections and improve the health, safety and general welfare of Portland community members,” the Portland City Council said of the amendment. 

This is a big step forward for the poly community, particularly for the poly parents advocating for stronger anti-discrimination policy.

The ordinance specifically protects non-monogamous couples by asserting their “equal opportunity to participate fully in the life of the City” and by removing “discriminatory barriers to equal participation in government, housing, and public accommodations.” 

This is a big step forward for the poly community, particularly for the poly parents advocating for stronger anti-discrimination policy.

In separate interviews, vocal advocates from the polyamorous community told me how they really feel about this anti-discrimination policy, and shed light on how families often take the brunt of anti-poly discrimination. 

“Polyamorous folks, myself included, recognize that not everyone would choose polyamory,” Hayley Folk said. “But at the very least, the conversation of wanting rights like everyone else shouldn’t be held off because … the rest of the world may not understand.” 

What Is Polyamory’s Biggest Legal Gap?

According to polyamorous content creator, educator, and DatingNews op-ed writer, Hayley Folk, parents in non-monogamous relationships deal with especially rampant discrimination, and lack “legal protection of family dynamics, especially when a polycule is raising a child together.” 

Leanne Yau, a writer and award-winning polyamory educator, explained to us that the biggest gaps in legal protections for polyamorous couples are in family planning. 

“I think that if protections exist for step families … then the same should happen for people in polyamorous families.” -Leanne Yau

“There are lots of polyamorous families, [and] lots of people parenting with multiple parents in alternative relationships,” she explained. “I think that if protections exist for step families … then the same should happen for people in polyamorous families.” 

When poly parents aren’t recognized by law, they become much more vulnerable when the legal system enters the family unit, such as during a custody battle. “There’s always an assumption that the biological parents are the ‘real’ parents,” Yau said. 

Too often, systemic oppression and social stigma result in the more capable parent losing custody. In short: a non-poly parent does not a loving, capable parent make. 

Why Are Poly Parents More Vulnerable to Discrimination? 

Unsurprisingly, misconceptions abound when it comes to the polyamorous community, especially when you factor children into the equation. “Polyamory has become much more visible in the last couple years, but it’s also created a [harmful] discourse when people do it badly,” Yau said. 

You may have heard whispers of polyamorous couples who cheat, who are sexually promiscuous, who live taboo lives — basically, a cartoonish example of who shouldn’t be a parent. Yau said these stereotypes “misrepresent the community by lumping us in with bad actors.” 

The poly community is “one of the most loving, caring, and beautiful communities I’ve ever had the privilege of being a part of.” — Hayley Folk

“It’s not as rare and weird and freakish as people think,” she told us. “You can be polyamorous and a responsible human being … you can be polyamorous and have everything be above board, and it not be a cheating situation.” 

Folk described the polyamorous community as “one of the most loving, caring, and beautiful communities I’ve ever had the privilege of being a part of.” Both Folk and Yau explained how these ongoing misconceptions can have real-world consequences for polyamorous families and relationships. 

“The social impact is probably the greatest [real-life consequence of discrimination],” Yau told us, adding, “The lack of recognition for polyamorous families … the focus on the monogamous, nuclear-family model is simply not realistic, and is not up to date with how relationships are becoming more and more fluid.” 

Advocacy does not begin and end in Portland. “While cities like Portland are making strides, polyamorous people in the rest of the country are dealing with confrontations [about] their relationship style and dynamic every day,” Folk explained. 

Only three municipalities in Massachusetts and two in California have implemented legal protections for non-monogamous individuals in recent years. As slow as progress is in the U.S., it’s even slower for poly couples in other parts of the world, Yau told us.

“I think it’s really great that steps are being taken in places like America, and I really hope that extends to the rest of the world,” she said. 

Legal protections are vital, but so is understanding why these legal protections are so important in the first place. This means bringing the conversation about polyamory out of the shadows. Yau advocates for “more education about polyamory and non-monogamy at large,” she said. 

She suggests adding discussions about polyamory to sex education curriculums in schools — “Obviously in an age appropriate way,” she added — so younger generations can more easily understand the alternative family structures that already exist around them. “I think that would make a really really big change for future generations.”