Key Takeaways

Sometimes, when we look back at our dating lives, we cringe at the thought of our past relationships. For me, it’s definitely the time I dated a coworker — which went against every rule I set for myself — and most certainly the time I went on three dates with a guy who worked at GNC and only cared about the gym. But listen, we’ve all dated someone we shouldn’t have.

But what about dating someone we’re not actually attracted to? Well, that’s a thing too. Now, in an era of the dating world where swipes, filters, and likes dictate who we (and our users) find love with, this seemingly strange phenomenon is actually super common. It’s called Shrekking — and yes, it’s a very real dating trend.

According to Joi AI’s newest research, two-thirds of single men surveyed said they feel hopeless about finding love, while another 51% question their attractiveness. What’s more, 80% of men in the study also believe women have the upper hand on dating apps. Enter: Shrekking.

If you’re in the industry, you might be saying to yourself, “I don’t get it, there are so many hotties on our app,” or “Why would someone intentionally date someone they’re just not into?” The answer may be that dating apps are making true love feel unattainable (unless you’re conventionally attractive, of course.)

Defining Shrekking — and Why It’s Happening

OK, so what is Shrekking really?

“Shrekking refers to the act of dating someone you are not physically attracted to in order to revolt against the unrealistic standards of beauty,” said Jessica Plonchak, the executive clinical director at Choice Point Health.

Simply put, it’s your users dating someone they’re not attracted to because they either don’t think they’re good enough to date up, or they can’t imagine dating apps allowing them to meet the kind of folks they’d actually be attracted to.

“Most people follow this trend after being badly rejected multiple times in the dating world to seek emotional comfort and safety,” Plonchak said.

But imagine if Shrek, an ogre, had never gone for his princess — he’d have stayed alone in his swamp forever. Some people, it turns out, feel the same way about dating. 

The Emotional Burnout of Hyper-Visual Dating

Shrekking, as it’s so aptly labeled, speaks loudly not just about the state many daters (specifically men) are in, but also about the emotional burnout that today’s dating culture has created. I can speak for myself when I say that, after so much swiping and choosing photos and writing just the perfect bio, it’s a lot!

“People now want authenticity, but unfortunately, the dating systems designed to offer matches are based on superficiality.” Plonchak says.

Men are feeling hopeless because their matches are limited. Unfortunately, the approach many take is to swipe away until they get one match or two. It doesn’t matter who it is, I guess, since they’re willing to go for any form of connection, even if they’re not really into their match. 

I’d argue that dating apps have created a hierarchy of attractiveness, one that many folks struggle to keep up with. No, I am not saying Shrekking is right, but I can understand why many male daters would get there.

Remember: Two-thirds of single men feel hopeless about finding love. That’s a lot of men!

Shrekking as a Coping Mechanism — Not a Cure

“After facing rejection, ghosting, and failed matches, people tend to equate safety with control,” said Plonchak. “Dating someone you’re not attracted to can feel like emotional armor.”

So yeah, some daters are choosing “safe” connections to avoid being hurt — but it’s not necessarily sustainable. And it’s not nice to either of the daters, either. “If someone tries Shrekking just to avoid vulnerability, the relationship may not last for long because real relationships are based on desire and originality,” said Plonchak.

And maybe folks who try Shrekking will find a genuine connection, but I think the others are just delaying heartbreak in the end. I know if I were dating someone and found out they were Shrekking me, I’d feel pretty heartbroken, too.

But sometimes, attraction can grow. In my opinion, though, it’s only if emotional compatibility and values are there. And professionals like Plonchak would argue that Shrekking may work for some daters.

“I have seen couples who end up building stronger and long-lasting relationships once they stop running after idealized beauty,” Plonchak said.

But again, it’s not for everyone. And shouldn’t everyone in a relationship feel beautiful and seen and wanted? Shrekking, in my opinion, is devoid of that.

Are Dating Apps to Blame?

I have no doubt that dating apps are at fault. Of course, attraction has always been a concern in dating. But in 2025, when the very people who work on dating apps are reading this (that’s you!), it’s time to face it. The truth is, dating trends like Shrekking wouldn’t be as prevalent without the apps in place. 

Why? Well, for many folks, it’s made dating and what many women want seem unrealistic. The match levels for many apps reinforce that. Joi AI’s research reveals that men’s feelings of dating hopelessness aren’t for lack of effort or appeal, but likely what the apps themselves are doing.

What Should Apps Do Differently?

Should apps do something? Absolutely. And there are many things your team could do differently to help eliminate the need for Shrekking.

“Tech companies should not overlook the emotional fallout of their systems that are negatively affecting human relationships,” Plonchak said.

When a platform profits from engagement that focuses on insecurity and comparison, it has a moral responsibility to redesign so users can feel better and date better. For example, including voice or video intros instead of only images could be a great way for folks to meet. It gives users a chance to interact with people based on who they are. Maybe the girl he’s really attracted to would also find his humor or voice nice, and then he’d match with someone he’s actually attracted to versus not.

Another option? Use algorithms that give equal visibility to all profiles. Maybe if their profiles were more likely to be seen by all, then men (or anyone inclined to pull a Shrekking episode) would be more likely to meet their Fiona, and not get swept up in the Shrek of it all.

Beyond Shrekking

We don’t like Shrekking. And if you’re in the industry, I am sure you don’t either. But when it comes down to it, trends like Shrekking are simply your users trying to reclaim their experience and date someone. Anyone! And that’s the problem.

“Users should feel seen and safer and not a puppet somewhere highly competitive and superficial,” said Plonchak. 

So why not take a look at how you can help an ogre meet his princess?