The Scoop: Trauma can alter your behavior and emotional responses without you even realizing it. Whether the trauma is intergenerational or acute, it can negatively affect your relationships. Dr. Speshál Walker Gautier of D.I.V.E Therapy & Consulting explained how couples can finally overcome trauma together.
When I was 8, I fell off my bike. One ER trip and 15 stitches later, I’d come to a decision. “You can sell my bike,” I told my parents. “Because I’m never getting back on that thing ever again!”
Why would I? Riding my bike had only resulted in pain, fear, and a hefty hospital bill. To this day, I’m filled with an inexplicable irritation when someone breezes past my house on their bike.
Was my childhood experience ultimately traumatic? Not really. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t have a traumatic response to the experience. Even as an adult, when I have a scary or traumatic experience, my instinct is to cut whatever caused the trauma out of my life — even if it’s a person.

No one can predict how their traumas will manifest years down the line. What many of us have in common is an instinct to avoid situations we perceive as dangerous or scary. Trauma can lead to avoidance of situations, people, and/or things that remind of us of our past negative experiences. In both scenarios, we end up alone.
“Trauma really can disrupt the way we do relationships,” Dr. Speshál Walker Gautier, or Dr. Spesh, of D.I.V.E Therapy & Consulting, told us. “Part of my work involves helping people heal from past experiences and learn to have healthy relationships, whether those are platonic or romantic.”
With Dr. Spesh’s guidance, individuals or couples suffering from intergenerational or acute trauma can finally pave a new path forward.
Trauma Affects Attachment Styles
Our subconscious reactions to trauma is part of what makes us all unique. According to Dr. Spesh, finding a strong support system is key to overcoming unhealthy trauma responses. “One of the common themes that really helps people to heal is reconnection to themselves and others,” Dr. Spesh said.
When your friend’s spouse had an affair, she had a string of one-night-stands in fear of starting another serious relationship. But when you were cheated on, you stepped away from intimacy altogether. Both reactions are understandable, but unhealthy in the long run.

Trauma can alter one’s sense of safety and security, and negatively impact their attachment style. Since our attachment styles dictate how we relate to each other, any style other than secure attachment can lead to unfulfilling relationships and emotional detachment.
“Attachment … forms pretty early in life with our caregivers,” she explained. The way your parents or guardians interact with you and with each other goes a long way to forming your attachment style.
A secure attachment style is a healthy way of relating to others. This style is characterized by the ability to trust others with your emotions and express your needs. “People who are more securely attached … have had the experience of getting their needs met,” Dr. Spesh said.

But your childhood environment may have been more conducive to an anxious, disorganized, and avoidant style. Someone with an avoidant attachment style may not be comfortable sharing their needs. An anxious attachment style, meanwhile, may not be honest about their needs, while someone with disorganized attachment may not understand or be able to articulate their needs at all.
Trauma can alter a secure attachment style at any time. “One trauma or cumulative events really can impact how you show up in relationships,” she said. For example, a sexual assault can make you feel less safe, and that can change your relationship to emotional and physical intimacy. “Or in the case of someone who has experienced a lot of traumatic losses, they can develop the belief that people are not going to stay around, and may begin to avoid closeness,” Dr. Spesh explained. “There are a lot of ways trauma can disrupt relationships.”
Trauma Is Bone Deep
“It’s important to think about the ways things get transmitted through generations,” Dr. Spesh advised. And by “things,” she didn’t only mean genes or personality quirks. As with everything else that resides under our skin, trauma, too, can be inherited.
A great-grandfather who experienced traumatic events in a war carried his hurt with him for decades. Because of this, he unknowingly passed his trauma down to his child, who passed it down to his child, who passed it down to you.

Intergenerational trauma is perpetuated when “a parent has a history of trauma that hasn’t been resolved, which then impacts how they show up in parenting,” Dr. Spesh explained. The way you’re raised may subconsciously affect the way you raise your children.
Think about how your parents acted when you were growing up. Dr. Spesh recommended asking yourself a few vital questions: “Were they available? Were they responsive? … When people don’t have that, it can cause attachment styles that might be more anxious [or] avoidant.”
Inherited trauma can look like chronic anxiety, an inability to open up emotionally, or even aggression. If you’ve ever wondered why you have so much trouble trusting people, maybe your great-grandfather has the answer. A therapist, on the other hand, could help you finally find a resolution.
“We know that people from marginalized backgrounds also have higher risk factors in terms of adverse experiences.”
The impacts of trauma “can reverberate,” Dr. Spesh emphasized. “We know that people from marginalized backgrounds also have higher risk factors in terms of adverse experiences.”
In other words, marginalized groups are more likely to experience traumas. Since mental health services have been historically harmful and also difficult for marginalized groups to access, it makes sense why some traumas end up being passed down.
“When we think generations back, people weren’t really going to therapy. And especially in communities of color, people weren’t necessarily getting what they needed to heal from traumatic experiences,” Dr. Spesh told us.

Generations of trauma are usually buried under lifetimes of experiences. Over time, you don’t even realize trauma is behind your unhealthy emotional outbursts or reactions; it’s just the way your family is. “Everyone on dad’s side of the family has a temper!”
“If that happens, [trauma is] not resolved, and it affects how you think about the world, safety, and relationships,” Dr. Spesh explained.
Overprotectiveness and emotional distance could point to trauma in a parent’s familial past. “[A child] might internalize this, [and believe] the world and people are unsafe,” she said. “Then the cycle continues.”
Breaking the cycle is easier said than done. Having a supportive partner by your side is key. But what do you do if your partner is the one who’s struggling with buried trauma?
How You Can Support Your Partner
It can take years to muster up the courage to face your demons, especially if you have post-traumatic stress (PTSD). This can “disrupt the ways we think about ourselves, the ways we think about the world, and the way we think about other people,” Dr. Spesh told us.
Dealing with your own trauma is an oft-discussed topic. But how can you help your partner deal with their trauma?
“When people can’t express their needs, ask for what they need, or understand their own trigger points, it really leaves a partner at a loss.”
“When people can’t express their needs, ask for what they need, or understand their own trigger points, it really leaves a partner at a loss,” Dr. Spesh said. “How would you know how to show up for them?”

Thankfully, there are ways you can help your partner overcome trauma. Simply voicing your support and listening to them when they’re struggling can go a long way. “Offer a non-judgmental, empathetic, and reassuring space,” Dr. Spesh told us.
She told us to avoid phrases like “That’s in the past” and “But you have me now,” because all they do is minimize your partner’s struggles. The key is to “tolerate being in pain with someone,” she said.
It’s tempting to try to “fix” your significant other’s problem, but this isn’t always helpful. Sometimes, the best move is to simply show them they’re not alone. “I can’t imagine what that was like for you” is a more helpful response, according to Dr. Spesh.
Be patient with your partner as they work to overcome trauma. Their needs could change on a daily basis, which is why it’s so important to keep an open dialogue about both of your needs.

You’re ultimately a companion on your partner’s journey through trauma, not the captain. You’re not in the driver’s seat, so you can’t absorb the brunt of their suffering for them. “We can’t do their work for them,” Dr. Spesh pointed out. But you can encourage your partner to seek professional help for their anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues.
Dr. Spesh told us she likes to have therapy sessions with her client and her client’s spouse so both are aware of what’s happening in trauma treatment, and what the client should be working on outside of Dr. Spesh’s office.
It’s important for people in relationships to allow their partners to support them. “If we don’t do that, we rob each other of the opportunity to be emotionally responsive,” Dr. Spesh said. “Sometimes, it really is about feeling seen and heard.”